Gut-connections

To trust or not trust our gut instincts through the lens of our various friendships and relationships

So we all think we have a gut instinct.

“I’m listening to my gut” or at least lamenting whilst reflecting that “I should have listening to my gut” is a phrase we all say more than we probably realise. This so called sixth sense, a feeling or a hunch or whatever we choose to call it can invoke within us a sudden flash feeling of insight, a kind of deep reaction within us, that some people believe can potentially guide us through life with its often difficult plot twists. This can feel comforting and uncomfortable all at the same time!

“Trusting your gut” refers us back to having faith in our own feelings of intuition, often said by others as as a way to encourage anyone weighing up issues in their life to try and stay true to themselves and to do what they feel is right for them in the circumstance that they face. Certainly many people will admit that by following their instinct in times of decision making directed them to toward the best or better path in the circumstances they were in at that particular time.

But how much faith we should put into trusting in a feeling, an instinct that we cannot explain?

Wouldn’t sticking to logic and reason help us to make better decisions? Apparently no, or at least well, not always. Even science suggests intuition can be a valuable tool in exceptional circumstances. The brain-gut connection has been well explored over time and yes, the brain-gut connection is real. The gut and brain communicate closely through the nervous system, hormones and immune system. This connection can influence digestion, mood and behaviour. It's actually fascinating to me how interconnected our bodies are and it flows through everything I do as a reflexologist. Many people trust their gut feelings based on subconscious cues or past experiences – a heady mix of biology and intuition! But it seems those gut feelings do mean something, and they can often help us make good choices in the moment.

So what do gut feelings actually feel like? Well for me at least I would say that on many occasions, I have experienced an uncomfortable feeling of unease about a situation or perhaps I have often felt not quite right in someone’s presence or a feeling that something is off with someone I have just met and I cant exactly explain my feelings logically, but I just felt something wasn’t quite right, I didn’t feel comfortable around them or in the situation I was faced with.

On the other end of the spectrum I have often felt a rush of affirmation and a kind of awesome calm feeling washing over me after a tough decision was finally made and executed: convincing me that I was doing the right thing. A feeling of peace and a weight lifted which I am sure others can relate to the feeling of a huge weight lifted off their shoulders also.

Therefore it can be argued that gut feelings evoke a range of physical feelings as well as emotional feelings, some not unlike the physical sensations associated with anxiety and other more positive sensations might seem to confirm our choice, whatever it was, was the right one.

Some people describe their gut feelings as a kind of small internal voice, that their gut talking to them, through their own internal dialogue in their mind; although we often all experience physical negative feelings which can include a tension or a tightness within the body, goosebumps or prickling of the flesh, butterflies in the stomach and perhaps nausea. I know I have often experienced a king of sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach about things or the unpleasantness of sweaty palms combined with thoughts and feelings that I keep returning to about a specific person or situation.

Furthermore running parallel to the feeling of knowing these relationships or situations are somehow wrong for us is is also a gut feeling of guilt, shame, fear, or discomfort that naturally arises when we do the work of breaking old patterns. We may be in a process of shedding skins we’ve carried for years or decades⁠⁠ and it’s uncomfortable, not because it’s wrong or bad, but because it’s new. But of course, when you’re in the thick of it, going with your gut feeling over what might be considered reasonable doesn’t come with the glorious fanfare of a self-righteous hero’s journey. It feels like you’re wrong.

I have noticed that in the last few years in particular people around me have experienced a kind of seismic shift their attitudes and relationships with others. On a personal level for me, years of being “the listener” and “the fixer” within my friendships, I stopped playing therapist and I began to seek connections that felt more like a true exchange of energy, ideas, voice, and time.

When I gradually dropped my old ways of thinking and approaches and really sought true reciprocity, I began to realise that I’d kind of developed four new standards!

1. I’m no longer magnetically drawn to people who “need me.” Instead, I’m attracted to people who are creative, confident, and independent: people who want and enjoy my company, but don’t necessarily rely on it to be okay.

2. Whereas I used to be okay with taking up a minimal amount of airtime in my conversations with others I’ve become more intolerant of friendships in which the other person exclusively wants me to be their sounding board, I want curiosity and active listening from the people closest to me – I need reciprocation.

3. I’ve accepted that I’m mostly an introvert and that I need a lot of time to myself — and I need the people closest to me to be okay with that. I still love to socialise and go wild at times! I enjoy seeing my friends as much as possible but I just can’t be at 100% all the time and I’m often the one who leaves the party earliest these days!

4. I’m not so comfortable being on the receiving end of potent people-pleasing behaviours as I used to be and witnessing these behaviours in others feels⁠, dare I say it⁠, triggering! It reminds me of my past me and for better or worse, its not something that feels me with positive energy so much going forward.

And I’ll add that it HURTS both sides and it sucks to feel like you’re hurting someone by outgrowing your original connection.

I try to remind myself that I’m not outgrowing these connections for some lofty, cerebral idea of “finding total love and light” or “pursuing my healing journey.” It’s not even a choice I’m consciously making⁠, but a choice my instinct aka: my gut feeling has pushed me towards. And for me, outgrowing some friendships happened because I’ve felt a deep sense of invisibility, hurt and suffocation for too many years, I felt un-cared for, unappreciated and a feeling that I was used no matter how much reason I applied to the situation, no matter how many years I ignored my gut feeling and continued doing what I was doing anyway! Outgrowing these types of friendships has been self-protective.

However, there are times I can trust my path forward nut other times, I’ve been haunted by the idea that others are forming an image of me as a cold, heartless, rash, or callous person.

I have been in that situation where I have imagined what they must be thinking and saying about me. I try to remind myself that not all people understand my needs and they aren’t bothered by the same things I’m bothered by; they don’t have the same non-negotiables for their friendships that I feel I have for mine. Everybody’s standards and bottom lines are different because we are all different; we all come with different baggage, different approaches, different sensitivities, and different needs.

I also remind myself that I have maintained many, many friendships throughout the years, despite seasons of growth, change, and evolution. I’m still on great terms with my many friends and connections going back years plus I have friends of all kinds – introverts and extroverts⁠, some who like to be the centre of attention and are highly social and others who prefer one-on-one connections. And again, I remind myself that I am tolerant of differences and don’t require all of my friendships to fit a certain script of perfection.

It’s funny how hard this feel and how mean this feels, when in fact, I’m simply been developing the same limits other non-recovering-people-pleasers have had in place their whole lives without even thinking about it! One of my dear friends has a saying and a life-hack rule that goes along the lines of “if its not a HELL yeah!” then that is her gut feeling telling her not to do it, which got me reflecting how often I might apply that to my own life?! And quite honestly I couldn’t tell you but as an example I think we can all relate to that excited feeling when we are invited to something we genuinely want to go to with people we want to be doing it with verses the feelings of doom when the opposite is true!

Generally in our culture many of us feel that a healthy or happy friendship is one that constantly goes forward, in other words we expect all flow and no ebb. When a connection does ebb, as they often do, we tend to assume that something is wrong or bad,instead of viewing it as a natural function of all relationships. I often read in the realms of social-media therapy to just cut toxic people out when in truth its much more complex than being able to this, especially if its a family member who is vulnerable or a work colleague you have to see on the daily.

This is when a level of “limiting your time” could be implemented more, or a consideration on how we communicate, eg: in person, text, watsapp, voicenotes, facetime etc as your gut feeling method of managing a tricky person\situation that we can’t just completely cut out.

I guess, in conclusion, that all relationships are work but some shouldn’t be that much work!! This much it’s true. I also believe that sometimes, you can trust your gut with people and act accordingly in a manner that’s right for you, your personality and your personal history.